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Monthly Archives: May 2018

About Empathy In Relationship

In Balance

What this is going to show that is that one has the ability to give and they have the ability to receive. And as one is an interdependent human being, this is going to make it a lot easier for them to thrive.

It is through one being there for others that other people will be there for them. There may have been a time when one was there for others but they didn’t return the favour, and this could have shown that one didn’t value themselves, amongst other things.

Another Experience

But even though it is important to have empathy, it doesn’t mean that everyone has it, or that everyone has the same amount. So, if one lacks empathy, their experience on this earth is going to be extremely different.

When one is focused on their own needs and they are not interested in what is going on for other people, they could believe that other people exist to meet their needs. It is then going to be as if these people are an extension of them.

Take and Take

This is likely to mean that they won’t have any friends, or if they do, they can be surrounded by people who are also out of balance. These people could have the tendency to focus on other people’s needs, and they could believe that their needs are not important.

One is then going to take what they can, and these people will just put up with it. It could seem as though one doesn’t have the ability to put themselves in another person’s shoes.

One Option

So if one is in a relationship, for instance, and their partner had a problem, they are not going to be able to be there for them. One could end up telling them to ‘get over’ it or to ‘move on’.

This can then cause their partner to feel invalidated and as though one doesn’t care about them. If there is a problem in their relationship, it is highly unlikely that it will get any better; in fact, it could end up getting even worse.

Awareness

If one is caught up with their own needs and finds it hard to empathise with others, it will be vital for them to work on this, that’s if they feel the need to. And if one is used to attracting people who are self-centred, it is going to be necessary for them to look into why they put up with these people.

As if they valued themselves, they might no longer be drawn to (or attract) these kinds of people. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed here.

Give Boyfriend More Space

If you wish to make your relationship work in the long run, you need to make short-term changes in order to ensure that you can both breathe freely in your relationship. To do this, you need to give your boyfriend more space. When the word “space” is mentioned, it might conjure up images of distance and separation. These images may later lead on to disturbing thoughts of a breakup. If that is what is running through your mind right now, it is probably time to pause and actually consider what it means to give your boyfriend space. Remember this – “space” is NOT synonymous with “breakup”.

Giving your boyfriend space just means that you step back a little so that he will have the time and ability to go about his normal routine without feeling closeted in by you. Many men complain that their girlfriends don’t give them enough space and demand that they account for all their spare time. While this might seem interesting and even cute at the beginning of a relationship, it can become quite a strain as time goes by.

Your boyfriend might have goals of his own that he needs to work on. Or, he might wish to spend time with the boys or with sports that he loves. Further still, he just might want some time to himself to relax or sort things out. If you truly want your relationship to last, give him the time and space he needs. Consider the following points on how to give your boyfriend more space.

Ways To Give Boyfriend Space
The first thing you need to keep in mind to give your boyfriend time is to stop expecting him to spend every free minute either with you or talking to you over the phone. Understand that he has a life of his own, and until he makes a commitment to you in terms of marriage, he will still have a life of his own no matter how much you love each other. Understanding and accepting this will help condition your mind with regard to further steps in giving him space.

The second thing that you need to remember is that you should not make your boyfriend feel stifled with calls, messages, e-mails and other forms of communication from you. You might be more than happy to stop expecting him to constantly keep in touch. However, are you inundating him with excess communication? An occasional message or a sweet e-mail will touch his heart. However, if you take every moment you get to keep texting or e-mailing him, it will begin to annoy him over a period of time, no matter how much he loves you.

A third point to remember is to go slow on verbal expressions of love. Some women want to keep getting reassured as often as possible that they are loved and cherished. While this is natural and women do have the need to feel loved, expecting your man to keep on telling you that he loves you will end up annoying him. There are many ways in which a man expresses his love – these ways can range to a simple look, a touch, a gift or just an occasion he takes out of his busy life to spend time either with you or talking to you. Look for ways in which he shows you that he cares, instead of always expecting him to say that he cares. Apart from this, avoid repeatedly telling him that you love him. After a while, it becomes meaningless. In order for your words to really mean a lot to him, limit them and express them in a way that he will never forget.

Expect Too Much From Relationship

A good guy is still a good guy in a book or on the silver screen. He can still be head over heels in love with his wife and not cheat on her. He can still make her feel desirable and sexy. He can still make her feel that her opinions count and lets her be part of the decision-making of important purchases. And she can still make him feel like he’s king of her castle.

Most women aren’t looking for Superman, no matter how strong he is. They’re more inclined to look for Clark Kent who personifies a loyal, sensitive, good person.

They might drool over the good looks of Superman but they’d rather have Clark Kent, who comes across as dependable all the time, rather than just when an emergency occurs. Superman is always flying off somewhere to battle the bad guys. That can get old very fast. Most women want a man to stick around in the evenings to talk to and snuggle with; they don’t want him flying off somewhere.

The interesting thing is that money and good looks are at the bottom of the list. At the top of the list is someone who listens to her. She’s not looking for him to solve her problems; she just wants to tell him about them. And she’s looking for companionship, someone who enjoys her company and doesn’t make it seem like a hardship to spend a quiet evening at home with her or go someplace interesting with her.

There are always crises or arguments that have to be dealt with, both in the movies and in romance novels but, whereas we’re usually assured of a happy ending in books and movies, real life can be very different.

Maybe we do want more of the fiction in our relationships but, maybe it’s also necessary to have that little bit of romance with it too, to offset the large doses of reality that we have to deal with all the time.

Forgive Anyone Anything

Not if I wanted to live. Besides resentment having a physical effect on my body that nearly killed me, it hurt me in so many other ways.

  • Divorce – I had no harmony to bring into a marriage. Only anger.
  • Estrangement From My children – Resentment had so hardened my heart that I became mean and unforgiving and you know what they say about stuff rolling down hill.
  • Unemployment – I took my anger out on people at work and could always justify my quitting over “their” wrong actions. But it was really my anger history that disrupted my work.
  • Alcoholism – Besides it being an inherited disease, my inability to deal with stress was a contributing factor to hiding in alcohol.

I want to assure you that with God’s help you can forgive anyone anything and you can stop allowing resentment to destroy your happiness.

Let me give you a few examples of some of life’s biggest resentment-makers:

  1. Abandonment: by parent, spouse or best friend.
  2. Abuse: Physical, mental, emotional or sexual.
  3. Betrayal: Cheating spouse or someone in authority.
  4. Favoritism: Being overlooked for someone else’s benefit, to your detriment.

I know you can think of many other causes that you’ve experienced that caused you to hold onto resentment much longer than you could have. But it’s hurting you and it can kill you.

Long Term Relationship

Respect

It’s always recommended that you be open in your relationship. This calls for you to tell your spouse all the necessary details. The details should be both good and bad. While this is the case, you shouldn’t be disrespectful. When your partner makes a mistake, you should correct him/her respectfully. For your relationship to last for a long time, you should respect each other. As rule of thumb, you should never bring down your partner.

Maturity

Maturity isn’t acting all “grown up” such as not watching cartoons or laughing at booby jokes. Maturity is the ability to tell right from wrong, take responsibility for actions, and solve problems when you come across. If your partner is always blaming the government, traffic, boss or anyone else for something, he/she isn’t mature and you should be wary when working with him/her.

Responsible

Maintaining a long-term relationship requires both of you to be responsible. One common feature of a long-term relationship is children. The last thing that you want is living with a partner who can’t provide for the children or take good care of you. Your partner doesn’t necessary need to have a lot of money but he/she should have some levels of security.

Fun

While your partner should be responsible and serious in life, he/she should also be fun to be with. Your partner should be able to laugh away the life inconveniences, make fun of normal occurrences and laugh at himself/herself. A partner with a sense of humor isn’t boring and helps you have a fun look on life. While a sense of humor is great, you should stay away from a person who makes fun of other people.

Be Responsive in Relationships

Another Experience

Having said that, this might not be the case, and this means that even if one doesn’t take the first step, it doesn’t mean that they won’t talk, in fact, they could end up being the ones who talk the most.

And if one does take the first step, they could also be the ones who don’t talk the most. There is also the chance that each of these people will be in balance, and this will then mean that there will be times when they talk and times when they don’t.

A Good Way to Be

Through having this ability, it will give them the chance to create relationships that are in balance. If one could only talk and they were unable to listen, they wouldn’t be able to find out others.

Ultimately, they would be ignoring the other person’s needs and they could come across as self-centred. It might then be a challenge for them to develop relationships with others, and if they do, it could be a sign that it’s only because these people don’t value themselves.

The Other Side

On the other hand, if one could only listen and they were unable to talk about themselves, it won’t be possible for other people to find out about their life. As a result of this, they will be ignoring their own needs.

Other people could also see them as secretive, and it could then be difficult for them to connect to them. Thus, one could end up spending time with people who only talk about themselves, and this could cause them to feel as though their needs are not important.

Relationships

Nevertheless, even if one wasn’t looking to develop new relationships with others and only wanted to improve the ones they have, it will still be important for them to be able to listen and to talk. Therefore, if their relationships are not as they would like them to be; they could look into whether they are in balance.

During this time, they may find that although they talk about their own life, they don’t spend much time listening to what their friend’s have to say. Alternatively, they may find that even though they listen, they don’t share enough of their own life with others.

Certain People

And while one could be a certain way with everyone they know; they could also find that this is not the case. For example, one may find that even though they are in balance when it comes to some people, they are not always this way.

But if one is the same around everyone they spend their time with, it could be said that they will have all the more reason to change. This could mean that one simply needs to pay attention to how they behave and then to change their behaviour or they might need to reach out for external support, for instance.

Intimacy

When one’s relationships are not very fulfilling, it could also be a sign that there is a lack of intimacy. This will then mean that it will be important for one to reveal more about themselves.

And as they do this, it may also encourage the people they spend their time with to do the same thing. One could then find that this will bring them closer to some of the people they spend their time with and that they will no longer be drawn to others; this is because some of these people might not be willing to change.

Being Responsive

In order for intimacy to take place, one will need to open up and the other person will need to be responsive to what they have to say. And one will also need to behave in the same way when someone else opens up.

When this happens, will one listen to what the other person has to say and they won’t change the subject. This means that one will be displaying empathy and acknowledging what they have to share.

Everyday Life

However, even though it will be important for one to be responsive when it comes to experiencing intimacy, it doesn’t mean that this is the only time when it matters. What this comes down to is that human beings are generally drawn to people who are responsive to what they have to say.

Due to this, it won’t matter whether they are talking about their feelings or what they have been doing that day. So through being responsive, one could end up creating a new friend or they could strengthen an existing relationship.

Attract Healthy Relationships

Another way unhealthy relationships begin is when we try to fill our own “void” – the emptiness that the inability to love ourselves leaves us with – with the feeling of being “loved” from someone else.

We expect that their love is enough. We feel that our new partner’s feelings for us will fill the void. It won’t. No matter how hard you try, that “void” will always come back to haunt you. So, how do you begin to even tackle an issue as large as life as not being able to love yourself? Awesome question.

First you need to figure out the first instance in your life when you felt you could not, or would not love yourself. Follow that up with other moments in time you felt that same way. If it was a result of someone else’s actions, behaviors, or words towards you – realize these two truths of human nature:

• People make the best choices available to them in the moment (we’re talking psychological here, not recognized consequences of actions), and

• Every behavior has a positive intention.

Second, you need to understand that it was no ones intention to make you feel un-lovable. Their actions, behaviors, and/or words were for them, not you.

What I mean is that they said or did those things to you because it gave them something they needed. They needed to feel power. They needed to belittle you to feel better about themselves. Sad, I know. But those people were acting on behalf of their own dysfunctional psychology. It had nothing to do with who you are as a person, and everything to do with who they were.

How, then, do we attract a healthy relationship? By loving ourselves first. The minute you begin to love yourself it will not only help you throughout your life and all of the challenges this life will entail, but you put love out into the universe. It can’t help but reciprocate. I know it sounds easier than it is. I hear you. We go through so many experiences in our lives that the walls around our hearts seem impossible to breach.

I would encourage you to do things that will allow you to connect with your true self again – meditation, start a journal, start a hobby, exercising, hiring a life coach, etc… With some faith and time, you will love yourself again – and a whole new world of love will open up – and smile.