Another way unhealthy relationships begin is when we try to fill our own “void” – the emptiness that the inability to love ourselves leaves us with – with the feeling of being “loved” from someone else.
We expect that their love is enough. We feel that our new partner’s feelings for us will fill the void. It won’t. No matter how hard you try, that “void” will always come back to haunt you. So, how do you begin to even tackle an issue as large as life as not being able to love yourself? Awesome question.
First you need to figure out the first instance in your life when you felt you could not, or would not love yourself. Follow that up with other moments in time you felt that same way. If it was a result of someone else’s actions, behaviors, or words towards you – realize these two truths of human nature:
• People make the best choices available to them in the moment (we’re talking psychological here, not recognized consequences of actions), and
• Every behavior has a positive intention.
Second, you need to understand that it was no ones intention to make you feel un-lovable. Their actions, behaviors, and/or words were for them, not you.
What I mean is that they said or did those things to you because it gave them something they needed. They needed to feel power. They needed to belittle you to feel better about themselves. Sad, I know. But those people were acting on behalf of their own dysfunctional psychology. It had nothing to do with who you are as a person, and everything to do with who they were.
How, then, do we attract a healthy relationship? By loving ourselves first. The minute you begin to love yourself it will not only help you throughout your life and all of the challenges this life will entail, but you put love out into the universe. It can’t help but reciprocate. I know it sounds easier than it is. I hear you. We go through so many experiences in our lives that the walls around our hearts seem impossible to breach.
I would encourage you to do things that will allow you to connect with your true self again – meditation, start a journal, start a hobby, exercising, hiring a life coach, etc… With some faith and time, you will love yourself again – and a whole new world of love will open up – and smile.